I Am Schizophrenic And Stopped Taking My Pills


Hello, everybody! My name is Kylie. I am fifteen years old. Since early childhood I’ve been called ‘a
special child.’ When I was a little girl, I realized I saw
things that other children didn’t see. I was afraid of crosswalks and stairs. Yellow and red colors just terrified me! I would always have a panic attack when I
saw traffic lights. All the other kids thought I was crazy and
even their parents told them to stay away from me. I thought my mom was always very loving and
supportive, I knew I was different from other people and couldn’t find the answer for ‘why.’ But after a lot of medical research and what
seemed like millions of talks with psychiatrists, I was finally given the name of my condition
– schizophrenia. Of course, I didn’t understand what that meant
at the time, but I saw that it absolutely devastated both of my parents. This diagnosis turned my whole life upside
down. I had to take tons of pills every day, which
made me sleepy and it was hard for me to even articulate things. I turned into a vegetable! But doctors seemed to be really satisfied,
with my so called positive dynamics. I know this situation was very challenging
for my parents too, especially for my father. He had his own view of life and just refused
to accept the fact that his daughter could possibly be “not right in the head.” He would blame everyone and everything around
him and went as far as to claim that it was all my mother’s bad genes. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes and tried
to pretend I wasn’t there. That’s the way we lived until one morning,
when I found my mom lying on the floor in the bathroom. The cause of death was a hemorrhagic stroke,
but the actual reason for that was me. Eight years had passed since the diagnosis
had been established. And those years were a real torture for her. I was absolutely broken and dejected. When my father said he was going to send me
to a boarding school far far away from home, so that he never had to lay eyes on me again,
I was sure I deserved it. He had me make a promise that I would follow
my medical prescriptions and keep on taking my pills regularly. Even though I was aware that students with
slight mental disorders were allowed to attend that school, I was scared to death. I was afraid to be misunderstood and to not
be accepted again. But, this was one time when I was glad to
be mistaken. The first person I met was my roommate, Daniela. She was so nice and friendly that we kind
of bonded right away. We went to different classes, but we would
spend all of our free time together. We had the same interests and she also disliked
red and yellow colors. When I confessed to her that I was schizophrenic,
she smiled and said: “We all have our quirks, right?” My mom always used to tell me that. I was as happy as I could possibly be. I had a real friend now. I could tell her everything I had on my mind. I also told her about my father. I think I completely cried my eyes out. Daniela was outraged when she heard my story. She started to try to persuade me that I was
more normal than anybody she had ever met before. She insisted that I stop taking my pills,
which were actually killing me. She also said I had to write a message to
my father and to tell him what I really thought and felt. But I would never have had the heart to do
that, under any circumstances. One day I got a call from my father, which
was very unusual. I thought he had forgotten about my existence
as soon as he had gotten rid of me. But before I had a chance to say hello, he
started yelling at me and threatening that he would not pay for my education anymore
and disown me. I was so scared I could not move and in addition,
I didn’t have the slightest idea of what on Earth I had done wrong to make him so furious. But then I found a strange message on my phone. It was sent to my father, but I did not text
him. I just froze in horror when I read it. It said that my dad was an unworthy and narrow-minded
person and that he had no right to treat me that way. It actually reflected what I really thought,
but it was definitely not me who wrote it. It could be only have been one person. I found Daniella in our room. She innocently looked at me as if nothing
had happened. I demanded that she tell me the truth about
the message. She didn’t even try to deny it and said she
had done it for my own good. But what was good about it, if my father disowned
me for real? Where would I go? I burst into tears, but suddenly Daniella
said coldly: “”You are just a coward, aren’t you?”” That was the most offensive and painful thing
I had ever heard. Maybe it was because I knew she was right. We didn’t talk anymore. I didn’t actually see her for a while after
that day. Daniella didn’t even come back to sleep in
our room anymore and I had no idea where she had gone. I missed her badly. I was all alone against the world now. I would meander around the hallways, hoping
she would show up. But someone else showed up. His name was Brody. He was in my class, but we hadn’t talked much
before. I didn’t have any close friends there, but
that was what we had in common. He preferred reading books or walking all
alone, more than hanging out with our classmates. So this is how our two like-minded souls bumped
into each other in the schoolyard. He tried to make conversation with me several
times, but I was not used to getting attention from boys. I was so embarrassed, I could barely bring
myself to say anything. And once, he texted me and asked me out. I was at loss and couldn’t do anything but
just keep staring at the screen of my phone. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice behind
me. “”Picked up a guy already?”” It was Daniella. I was so happy to see her again. We talked and shared our stories like nothing
had changed. Daniella helped me answer Brody’s messages
and gave me advice about how to behave with him. And it was really helpful! We got closer and we would go for walks holding
hands, talking about everything in the world. But I still didn’t tell him about my disease. Everything was back to normal. Until it happened.” Sometimes I would occasionally forget one
of my textbooks in my room, so I’d have to go back there to pick it up. I opened the door and seized up. Daniella and Brody were standing in the middle
of the room and kissing. That lying witch! I was so furious I could not breathe. I rushed to Daniella and tried to grab her
hair, but she dodged my hand and ran out of the room. I immediately ran after her. I was running like hell and didn’t even notice
that I had left the school grounds. I had lost Daniella’s tracks and stopped to
take a breath. I found myself standing in the deep forest. How long was I running? After hours of walking around in the trees,
I realized I couldn’t find my way back home. I didn’t know where Daniella was. She was probably lost too. I called out her name so many times, but there
was no answer. It was getting dark and I didn’t know what
to do. I was lost and exhausted. I didn’t have my phone with me, so I couldn’t
even call anyone and ask for help. Finally I just collapsed on the ground under
the trees and fell asleep. I woke up early in the morning, because I
heard a voice calling me. I was sure it was Daniella’s voice. I opened my eyes, but there was no one there. I jumped to my feet and heard the voice again. I followed it, but I still could not see my
friend. Suddenly, I saw the school roof. I had made it out of the forest. But I still could not see Daniella anywhere. And I could not hear her voice anymore. She helped me to escape, but how? When I got back to school, everybody had been
frantically looking for me. I saw Brody who came up to me and attacked
me with questions. But he was a traitor. I didn’t say a word to him. And then he said he couldn’t stand my weirdness
anymore. One day I was one person, another day I was
a completely different person. And what on Earth made me run out of the room
that day? I was so outraged! Did he really not know why? I was about to answer him back, when I found
myself surrounded by other students and teachers. They all were pointing fingers at me. I was immediately brought to the principal’s
office. The principal was very polite to me, but he
said everybody was really worried. He said they had to call my father and that
he was on his way to school. They searched the woods, because Brody said
I had run away so fast that he couldn’t manage to catch up with me. But believe it or not, I didn’t care at all. I was not afraid of my father coming or of
my possible expulsion from school. I only had one thought on my mind. I burst into tears and told the principal
the whole story. I didn’t run away alone. I told him about my fight with Daniella and
that it was me who made her run away and that she had also been lost. She was still out there in the forest or God
knows where. We had to do everything we could to find her. The principal looked very confused. He said that Brody had claimed there had been
only two of us in the room. Oh, of course he would say that! That sneaky coward! I started to shout, trying to prove that he
was lying. I said he came to our room and kissed my roommate
Daniella. The principal just sat still for a while. Then he gave me a sympathetic look and said:
“”Kylie, you don’t have a roommate and you never have had one. Children with your health status are usually
allowed to have separate rooms in our school.”” ”
I have to tell you, it took me years to finally believe and realize there was no Daniella,
my only best friend who loved me and took care of me, who wrote a message to my father
to back me up, and who taught me how to handle guys. It was also not her who kissed Brody in the
room and helped me to escape from the forest. It has always been me, just me, from the very
beginning. I know Daniella is not real and I have never
seen her again, but I can hear her voice in my head from time to time. Oh, how I wish she could just still live somewhere
in that forest, and that she was waiting for me. But, sometimes, it is extremely hard to accept
reality the way it is, especially if you have schizophrenia. Have you ever confused a dream with real life? What made you realize you were wrong? I would love to know what you think of my
story. Feel free to share it with your friends and
anyone else you think would find this story interesting. Don’t let your mind swallow you.

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