The Highs and Lows of Change | invisible i [CC]

The Highs and Lows of Change | invisible i [CC]


I just realized there’s a tree behind me. Don’t know why that’s there. Hey everyone it’s Katy, and welcome back to my channel. So welcome, to another episode of “Katy rambles without any real reason.” I have been posting on the community tab asking you guys what you want to see next, which videos you want to see first, and so many of you wanted to see like a general update/chitchat ramble video and I have been wanting to just sit and chat to you guys for ages, because lord knows so much has changed in my life over the last two or three months. And I haven’t really spoken about any of it and it’s things that I would love to talk to you all about. But at the same time all of these changes, I feel have been positive but for some strange reason I’ve been like clouded in loads of negativity recently, and I’ve been feeling I’m not sure if it’s burnout or whether it’s like a bit of depression coming back in but I’ve been feeling so unmotivated and really low about everything which really sucks because the changes that are happening in my life and the things that are happening are really positive and they’re like really exciting and new chapters in my life. In my mind I’m like, this should be a really positive time in my life and it’s not and I’m doing everything I can at the moment to make it a positive time but it just… I don’t know. So first major change that has happened in my life is that I have come off all forms of benefits which is amazing and exciting but absolutely terrifying at the same time because I have been on some form of benefits for the last like five years and it’s been in many ways a constant and a financial safety blanket you know, what it’s there for. I’ve been on two forms of disability benefits for the last five years, on and off not at the same time. From 2013 until 2015-ish, I was claiming Personal Independence Payment. Then that stopped because I had to get reassessed. Then I had to leave my job because I was unfit for work and I was – I had health complications with my job, so I left. Then I was deemed unfit to work and I was claiming Employment and Support Allowance. Then I was able to get my PIP back and I was claiming both at the same time. Then my PIP had to go through re-assessment again, beginning of this year, and I’ve now come off Employment and Support Allowance out of my own choice because I’m earning too much. Which I guess isn’t really my own choice, but it’s through my own working, through my own doing, they didn’t take off me without my permission essentially. I had to phone up and say “yo, I’m earning too much” which if you guys saw my last benefit update, which I’ll link up here for you guys if you haven’t, I was in this kind of limbo stage where I was kind of earning too much and I didn’t know if I could still stay on ESA and I was talking about the benefit traps and the awful predicament that I was in at that point. I was in that stage for good – well since that video until now – so good a few months, I was in that stage and it was horrendous. Now I am earning too much. I’ve had a bit of a increase in my income which has been amazing, and yeah, I’m earning too much completely now to be on ESA. So I rang them up and I was like “earning too much” – which I thought was so funny. Do you guys follow me on Twitter? If you guys have ever had dealings with the DWP you will know exactly what I mean. But when you ring up the DWP, it’s never an easy process. You’re gonna be on the phone for at least an hour because you’re on hold for at least half of that and the hold music is just bloody annoying and you’re literally just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for somebody to pick up the phone. Soon as I phoned up to say that I was gonna be coming off ESA because in order to kind of get put through to the right person you have to briefly explain why you’re phoning and I said, “coming off ESA”. Straight through. Literally no hold. They put me straight through to a person and I was like wow, isn’t that ironic? Yeah, it is, it is a positive thing, and I keep having to tell myself that because I think it’s just a change and change to me is always very scary, which is relatable I guess for a lot of people in the spectrum but it’s just like this whole thing that has been a part of my life for five years regardless of how negative it was in my life. It caused me so much stress and so much panic and so much fear and anxiety and just anger and really negative emotions in my life and negative energy, it was still something that was somewhat of a comfort to me to know that it was there and not having that is gonna take a little time to get used to but I’m just constantly saying to myself, you know, you’re fine, this is what you’ve worked for. This is the natural course your life is supposed to take. In my eyes that’s what I’ve wanted for myself, you know, it’s not the path for everybody. But certainly it was the path that I wanted to take. So yes, first major change and overall it has been positive, but yeah little bit scary. So the next pretty large change that happened in my life actually came before coming off benefits but I wanted to talk about the benefit thing first because that’s really exciting. But I wouldn’t have been able to come off benefits without this change happening and that is my work with Chewigem kind of went up a notch. And I’ve now kind of developed my own role and feeling more like I’m responsible for a certain section of the company, which is amazing. And it feels really awesome to know that I have more responsibility and I’ve almost created a role and been really passionate about this aspect of work and sort of being given free rein to make it work and to give this whole aspect of my work a go. Basically, what happened is I was given a raise essentially like a pay rise, and given like a bit more of a bigger role in Chewigem and, then that pushed me over my financial limit with ESA. So I instantly had to come off ESA. And… It didn’t really – it was very quick in my eyes. It felt like I’d been working towards this for years and years and years and then in a matter of maybe two days I was off ESA and I thought, oh my god what if I’ve made the wrong descision, or what if this isn’t what I want to do? What if this role with Chewigem isn’t gonna work? What if the work is not going to suit me? It was very much like I was doubting the decision and that’s what caused a lot of negativity around the whole thing. So I was sort of very scared from a benefit point of view because it was all new and I hadn’t… not had that in my life for five years but I was also really doubting my work at that point then and I was thinking, oh my gosh I’ve made the wrong decision. This isn’t the path that I’m supposed to be on in life. What if I’m supposed to take another path? What if… What if what if what if… It was just sort of like oh my god, and I was getting really anxious, my anxiety started to creep in into my life so much more, over the last maybe three weeks, I’ve had a much higher level of anxiety, like I said, I feel like a little bit of depression is coming back in because I’m just so overwhe- I got really overwhelmed with it all but I was like, oh my god I don’t think I’ve made the right decision. And I’m really kind of in a bit of a lower place with my mental health and it’s just so frustrating. I’ve been talking to you know people in my personal life about like how annoying is that positive changes and positivity always seems to come with this like a negative smack as well. Like you can’t have one without the other really. And although that’s, I just think, a part of life, it’s just so frustrating when like you know in your head that these are really positive things and yet your brain still decides to be really anxious about everything and get like really depressed about things and you’re like this should be a really positive part of my life and a really like amazing new chapter and it’s just not. I know I sit here and I’m like positive a lot of the time and I talk quite openly about things but there are certain aspects of my health that I find very difficult to talk about. Mental health, anxiety and depression are two things that I can talk about if they’re not affecting me but I almost feel like talking about them and verbalizing it makes it real. And then I’m like, I can’t, I can’t handle that. I can’t handle acknowledging these feelings or having other people acknowledge these feelings despite the fact that I know they’re real, I need to acknowledge them, and I need to talk about them. I just get in my head where I’m like I can’t do that because if I talk about it, it’s real. So this next bit is probably gonna sound a little bit backwards, but bear with me because it has actually been working and it really has made a difference in me feeling a little bit more happy and healthy and comfortable and all that kind of stuff. Despite the fact that when I talk about it, it probably won’t sound like it would have that effect, but I know that these two changes in my life, however positive they are, which I know that they are positive, like I’ve said a billion times in this video, they have brought some negativity in my life because they’re still changes and in life like the easiest thing to do is just stay as you are and just sort of stay as a constant and in your comfort zone and as nice as that sometimes is, that is not the way life often goes. You have to make changes. You have to adapt. Things happen. You can’t always stay within that same kind of lane. And that’s what’s happening. And I’m having to change lanes and move around a little bit and adapt and that’s what is just like, my body is going through a period of adaptation and just kind of getting used to things, and my brain as well. And in my head the logical thing to do in this situation was because I was making a couple of adapt- like adaptations and I was adapting and things were sort of all around me getting quite overwhelmed and sort of like, aaaah a bit crazy and chaotic, I thought right what other things can I bring into my life to help with all of these changes. And the things that I’ve had to bring into my life are more changes. Because all of this with my working life and with this new role in Chewigem and me coming off benefits and just like, aaaah, crazy stuff having to adapt, I’ve needed to bring in more change into my life in order to cope with these two changes. Which doesn’t make a lot of sense because you think you’d just want to try and limit the amount of things that need to change but for me, it’s been really healthy almost just to change everything and start afresh and just: Right, new life, new way of approaching things, new financial status, new job really in many ways. Let’s now change my working structure, my schedule, my life, my personal life, my work-life balance, how I’m approaching things. And so despite it sounding really stupid I have coped with change by bringing in so much more change. So first change that I’ve made that has come about from the two changes, is huge. It’s amazing and scary and awesome and something that I’ve really been wanting for a long time. I have bought an office. I have an office space which is mine and it is incredible to say that because again, it’s kind of like a measure of achievement of how far I’ve come like, I’m at the point where I can have an office, like that is beyond crazy to me. When you work from home you have this kind of blurred line. You don’t really know when your working day begins and when it ends because you’re always in the house. You don’t really know when to shut off work and are you working 9:00 to 5:00? Like people who are self-employed and work from home work constantly essentially, and that’s the same with me, I don’t really feel like I ever shut off from work. Which is not healthy at all. So I’m hoping that having a space that’s outside of the house that I can use as much or as little as I want, I can go there and I can just work and then I can come home and I could be like, right, this is my time for relaxation now I’m home. I’m away from the office, this is my space to relax. As opposed to being a space that’s kind of for both. I’ll still work from home you know, 50% of the time. I think it’ll probably be 50/50 at the start to see how things go. The other change that I have made is trying to not work on weekends. It’s something that I’ve always said to myself since being self-employed that I would not work on weekends. But things tend to creep in and you kind of think oh I’ve got an hour free let me just check my emails or something and I’ve been really trying to be rigid with myself, being like don’t check your emails, turn off your notifications, everything can wait until Monday. The last two changes that I’ve made have been more in my personal life, but I’m hoping that they’re gonna have an impact on my mental health and therefore make me feel better about my work and that balance and just getting everything a little bit more kind of yeah, just in balance and in check. And the first one is I am pushing myself to go for a walk every day. Because I feel like it’s so healthy just to get out. You guys know how much I love walking. It’s such a massive source of therapy and happiness for me. But since Meg, my dog, she passed away, it’s been quite difficult to get out and just walk. And the final change that I’ve made which I’m hoping is going to be a positive one, it has been really positive so far. It’s kind of on the same level as like walking every day and I hope that it will bring in the same kind of energy and the same good vibes and that is I have taken up Zumba. And if you don’t know what Zumba is, it is… kind of like a Latin dance exercise form. It’s dancing for exercise, but it’s very kind of Latin rhythms, lots of swaying of hips and very kind of yeah, very Latin, very Salsa-y, but a bit more upbeat compared to Salsa in terms of like, you know, it’s a little bit more modern it’s a lot of like modern dancing with Latin vibes. Now I always say on this channel listen to your body. It’s very difficult sometimes to know what your body wants and it can take weeks of feeling restless or feeling unsure of what your body needs or wants and then it’ll suddenly hit you. And this is exactly what happened to me. And recommend this and I tell this to everybody just generally in life, but if you have sensory processing difficulties or you’re on the spectrum like myself you need to listen to your body because the things that you can bring to your life and your well-being just through listening to your body can be amazing. So for the last like few weeks before I started Zumba, I just kept getting up and being really restless and I just randomly found myself dancing and then I started getting recommended loads of dance videos on YouTube and I was like, Ooh Oo I like the idea of this. I really feel like my body needs to move and needs to dance at this given time. I never thought it would be like me to just kind of roll up to a Zumba class and be like, hey, I’m here let’s dance! And I have, I’ve been doing, I’ve been going on my own. So yes, I’ve been shaking it out at Zumba and feeling really good about it and feeling really healthy. So, combating change with change: has it worked? It seems to be at the moment. I feel like I have made loads of changes in my life to adapt to the two changes that were causing me to feel a little bit scared and now I feel like I’m almost taking control of my life again. I’ve been talking too long, I’m now getting super-stiff in my legs and getting pins and needles so I think that is about time that I leave you. Thanks for listening to all of my ramblings. I hope it hasn’t been too boring. Let me know in the comment section if you have reached the end of the video and you watched it all. Let me know and give it a nice big thumbs up if you did enjoy it and you enjoy these more kind of chilled chatty videos because it has been a while since I’ve just chatted to you guys and kind of rambled on for a while. So I think that is about it! I hope you’ve had a really, really good day, and I will see you soon. Bye guys!

44 comments / Add your comment below

  1. Change is hard.. I am going through a lot of changes myself. So we are in this together (Even though we do not know each other)😊

  2. Hi Katie! I can definitely relate to you on changes. When things change in my life, good or bad, it's very overwhelming to me.

    I went for autism testing and got my results back on Wednesday. They gave me a "provisionary" autism spectrum disorder diagnosis (I guess they still aren't 100% positive). I was told I have autism very mild and the diagnosis of PDD-NOS from the previous DSM version would have been the most appropriate diagnosis cuz apparently I wouldn't have fit into the Asperger's category. I still believe that I do fit into the female display for Asperger's. It was 8 hours total of testing (I have state insurance, and they're very reluctant to pay for anything) but from what most of my aspie friends told me, they got more like 16 hours of testing, so I wonder if I'd gotten more thorough and longer testing if the results would have come out different. A lot of the testing measures I read about online were not used in my assessment… the Autistic Observation Schedule was not used, I wasn't asked much about my sensory issues, the tests seemed to mainly focus on my memory and intelligence.

    Either way, I do know I'm on the spectrum and I'm happy that I belong to the autism community. 😀

  3. Thank you for sharing with us. I have been struggling with change and watching this video is just what I needed to help me on my way❤

  4. Ooh I can relate to this so much. I'm switching psychologists, cause I moved to another city and I can't travel that far back and forth cause my body can't handle it. I know its the right choice BUT MY BRAIN. Ugh, it's so stuborn, and keps going 'but it's wrong!!' Yeah, it is, but I need to get used to it for it to be ok.

  5. Change is always Big. So first step out of the way. Hey well done!! It's natural to have an adjustment period, just don't push yourself too hard. I hope everything works out, you've put so much effort in xxxx
    Ps, I made it, thoroughly watched! Have a good day too

  6. So glad to hear that you've taken up Zumba! Exercise is so important and it's really great when you find that niche that fits you. For me it's dance such as tap, Jazz, ballet to name a few. Going to a gym has never really suited me and I'm finally at a place where I'm physically able to dance again and it feels great! So good for you!😊💜

  7. Great video. Congrats on the new changes! I can certainly relate as I started a new job just a few months ago and have had to get used to dealing more with benefits, accessible transit, and some home care. They're all great individually but coordinating everything can be a real pain.

  8. This kinda annoying phone calls is why I need someone to make them for me… But when somoene else makes them for me, the company wont talk to my helper because my helper isn't me..
    I have phone anxiety or something from my autism, and my brain shuts down or I have meltdowns on the phone. These calls are supposed to be for people with autism? They really need autism-friendly call system imo.

  9. I'm in a poverty trap myself in USA. I depend on Section 8 (housing support pays for most of my rent), but they require me to have a net worth under 1k a month to qualify. My mom passed away leaving me with about 75k inheritance but I dont know if I can take the inheritance without losing section 8 (dont know… still dont know… dont know how to get the info I need … how can I have both … I dont know). If I lose section 8, the 75k will not be enough to cover all my expenses for the time period it takes to get back into section 8 (10+ years afaik).
    Also, I cannot work because most places accepting new employees around here dont allow employees to leave at any time (not an autism-friendly country this America I live in). My meltdowns have been set off in less than a minute sometimes, and I cant work as long as places of employment don't have a method for me to appropriately leave to have my meltdowns.

  10. I enjoyed this video. I watched to the end. I dont always listen to my body because sometimes my body wants to punch a wall or throw a phone or beat my head against the wall… like it does now. Currently recovering from a severe meltdown I had less than 3 hours ago.

  11. Katy, I am so happy that you are moving forward. I like working from home because I feel more relaxed with being able to change what I'm doing on the fly. But my job is 10am-6pm in my own office, and I also walk a mile to and from work.

  12. I absolutely empathize with feeling very low even though objectively my life is improving or better than it ever has been. Be kind to yourself, you're not alone!

  13. This video has been sooo helpful for me. I’m also going through a lot of changes in my life and hearing you talk about and remind us to listen to our bodies and deal with change with change is unbelievably helpful!! Thank you 😊

  14. Change is very hard and I hate that which is imposed on me . However in order to progress change is necessary . I found your video very inspiring 😊x

  15. Can you do more on ear defender Earmuffs? I don't know if you have ever heard of Peltors ( 3M) they have a great Headphone called WorkTunes. There are 4 versions. One is pro the others are am FM radio bluetooth and the connect which is bluetooth. ( All of them are radio earmuffs ( 2 of them are bluetooth) I think I have Asperger's I'm not sure. I'm 46, and I know for sure I have some obsession with wearing my ear defenders ( hearing protection here in the US) . I don't know if it's a fetish or a mental thing. I bought gel ear cushions for them plus faux fur fleece for added comfort. It's the plush fleece you find in gloves jackets coats , really soft. I cut them to fit my Headphone Earmuffs. See my videos. Thanks. I think I'm a bit messed up…that's ok though.

  16. Change is a huge thing for me and it's the main cause of burnout for me so I totally understand what you're saying. Congratulations on everything! You are doing so well and are such an inspiration to those of us awaiting diagnosis. Thank you for all you do Katy xx

  17. Change is awful! But there's a big difference between change happening to you and changes you choose. It totally makes sense you feel really out of control and needed to do things to feel in control again. You picked really great things to combat your feelings with and I hope they help!

  18. I watched to the end. Been watching your videos as I have recently been diagnosed with being on the autistic spectrum and aspergers. I am on benefits and have never worked due to mental and physical health issues including fibromyalgia. I have found your videos very informative and useful. I have thought I was on the spectrum for years but only just got tested by my mental health team request at the age of 27.

  19. a KTM I wanted to ask you if you can talk to talk on your Channel about when somebody is autistic and they have trauma I said can you talk about trauma and Mountain autistic meltdown it the only way that they can let it out is meltdowns or they end up having a meltdown because of of the trauma can you talk about it on your Channel please and if you can if you can thank you very much

  20. I'm really confused…Are you off PIP too? I thought that wasn't based on income – it's to act as a top up for the extra financial burden of having a disability. At least that's what I thought. I'm just going through the application process for the first time and the whole thing stresses me out so much but I really am at the point where I need some support.

  21. It's such a great feeling being independent though, isn't it? Being able to pay rent, utilities, your own expenses fully from the hard work you put in? I cannot wait to get back to making my own money and come off of benefits as well. Congrats!

  22. Thank you for sharing your videos about your experiences with Fibromiyalgia.. They really helped me out to deal with this madness in my body.. I'm even thinking about posting to help others who may have been in my predicament. So thx again for the inspiration.

  23. Great news!!!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
    And I watched it untill the end! Of course!

  24. Finished it. o/ XD 🙂

    Okay as soon as you started talking about adding change to combat change it made perfect sense to me. You mentioned it briefly yourself right at the end about ‘feeling in control of your life’. There is a /big/ difference I find between change you are in control over and change you are not. Or even change you are and aren’t in control over at the same time. Eg. Getting a new job which you want to do but sort of feel you have to do at the same time because you need to. So it sort of is and isn’t your decision, if that makes sense. Meanwhile other things could be completely up to you and completely your decision so you feel more in control and confident about them and getting back the stability in your life. So basically combatting change with change makes sense to me.

    In regards to negativity coming hand in hand with positivity and change. So totally get that. Starting uni is far more of an emotional battle then it is a physical one. Works in progress. 🙂

  25. Watched it all! Thank you so much for this video, and all of your others, Katy! I am going through the Assessments for ASD now, and have been told they are 95% sure I'm on the Spectrum, and your videos have been such a huge help and support for me thus far! And I also go for daily walks because they help my mental space so much.

    I was just wondering whether you had ever tried online yoga? Something like YogawithAdriene? Her videos have been fantastic whenever I really need to get my body moving and just feel quite on edge. 🙂

  26. Hi Katy, even though the change of coming off benefits has unbalanced you, please feel proud of yourself! It is a huge change and will take time for the new 'routine' of no benefits to settle. It's like a safety net is gone. Please give yourself lots of time for special interests right now (this helps me a bit with big changes) xx

  27. Are you still getting Personal Independence Payment? If you aren't, but meet criteria, you should apply as the government rely on people not claiming disability benefits.

    PIP is there for extra costs, it has nothing to do with having an income and DWP love when people don't claim it. lol

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